I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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