What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
