from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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