So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
