It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
