My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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