I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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