if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Welp...herpes.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
