So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
