the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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