How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm having to shit out rocks
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