I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
