and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
