How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
