i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
