This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
