Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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