If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
