this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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