It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
