So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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