I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
