I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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