Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
All the doctor said was why
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
