I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
