someone get that fucking seahorse.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
