Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
