The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
