peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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