Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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