I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
