If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
