Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
we're so committed to being not committed
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
