The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
