I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
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