I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
