Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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