I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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