2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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