Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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