i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
