And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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