Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
