Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
