apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
this boner is exhausting
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
