The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
