Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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