I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
