why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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