you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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