i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
