It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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