I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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