she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
