I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
